Week 7

Yet another week has passed in the Murphy Memorial League, and this week was one to remember. We saw records broken, a standings shake-up, and continued futility from the bottom-dwellers amidst further political discussion of the race for the presidency. Let's jump right in.

BLUDGEONING OF THE WEEK:

Busey def. Fastballs, 10-0-0

In this ball-buster, Busey made the Fastballs his asian concubine and grabbed the coveted Bong of Victory. It was only the second shut-out of the year, but it wasn't even close. Leading the way for Busey was Lance Berkman and Ryan Braun, combining for a ridiculous 16R 10HR 18RBI 2SB .411AVG line that would have single handedly taken 3 out of 5 categories from Three R's, and 2 from Scuffie, Fastballs, and Steaks. Holy fucking tits. We managed to grab Lance Tuesday night to ask him about his performance to date.

MURPHY: So, Lance, you are KILLING the ball this season. To what do you attribute your success?

LANCE: Well, Murph, to be honest, it's my bat. I started the season using maple, but it just didn't have that same feel for me anymore. So, during our road trip to St. Louis in late April, I had a terrible 0 for 3 game to start the series. That night, I hate-fucked like ten beat Missourian chicks in quick succession, and I had a revelation. If my cock can handle 250-pound babes, why couldn't it slam a light baseball? The next day, I tried it out. I walked up to the plate, pulled out my junk, and WHAM! WHAM! Two homers. I haven't looked back since.

MURPHY: Wait, you're telling me that you use your penis instead of a bat?

LANCE: Yup.

MURPHY: As in, literally, you swing your genitalia into the baseball?

LANCE: I'm hitting full-blown dong dingers.

MURPHY: "Dick-stick?"

LANCE: Dick-stick.

MURPHY: Damn.

It appears that Busey is on a roll, and with Steaks up this week, he could soon claim the league's top spot. Fastballs, meanwhile, are still reeling from the loss. They reside in 9th place.

HIS OFFENSE IS SICK, BUT HIS PITCHING STAFF HAS AIDS

Babes tie Shirts, 5-5

If Berkman has been the player of the year, Alfonso Soriano was the player of the week. He hit an ungodly 7 home runs, and did that to the tune of a .516 average. AIDS? What AIDS? Soriano fueled the Babes to their record-breaking offensive performance. Although the official record books were stolen in the infamous Heist of '07, the Babes' 24 homers and 76 RBI's almost certainly set new bars. Are the Babes for real? Our commissioner thinks not, but with each passing remark the Babes lay down new tracks and continue their ascent to the top. I personally think they are due for some regression to the mean, but to date, the Babes seem set on proving their doubters wrong.

Almost equally impressive was the Shirts' pitching, as he set personal marks for the season of 74K's and 9 saves. Recent injuries to Clay Buchholz and Jason Isringhausen threaten to derail a great campaign, but I doubt that is enough to spoil the fun. The Shirts maintained their 3 game lead over the Babes, and remain in striking distance of first.

FLUTTERING STALWART:

Scuffie ties Float It, 5-5

A lackluster weekend capped this promising matchup between one of the league's best versus a team on the rise. Despite a handful of wins, both teams pitchers shat the proverbial bed combining for a 5.69 ERA on the weekend. And despite that ERA, Scuffie's creepy old dude mascot shat his literal diaper, just cuz he likes the feeling and loooves his monthly sponge baths. Nevertheless, Float It matched Scuffie blow for blow and finished the week with a tie. Is Scuffie a legitimate contender? Or is he still riding his 10-0 defeat of the pathetic Steaks in week 2? I think its a little bit of both, but the Steaks really do suck balls.

A VALIANT EFFORT:

Cracker Jacks def. Hot Ice, 6-4

This just in: the Cracker Jacks are for real. This week, his paltry K's were misleading, as he needed only four starters to compile 4 wins. Add that to his 4 saves and 0.99 WHIP, and managerial savvy locked up the week for him. Hot Ice put up a great week as well, with a valiant Sunday surge which grabbed RBI's and provided some hope. However, without solid closers or a real second baseman, he was outmatched. Ty Wiggington and Tadahito Iguchi do not a championship team make, and until Hot Ice sees greener pastures, he will be a struggling middle-of-the-pack team, lucky to make the playoffs.

Meanwhile, the Cracker Jacks appear to be shoe-ins to the post season. Full speed ahead, good sir.

EXERCISE IN FUTILITY:

Steaks def. R's, 6-3-1

Holy tits, these teams suck. What a load of garbage. Despite a 6-3-1 victory, the only other team in the entire league that the Steaks would have beaten was the Fastballs, who got skunked 10-0. However, this victory doesn't give the Steaks any false hope, as they know their season is in shambles. Although the thought of getting A-Rod back may have lifted spirits, as of press time, the Steaks have already endured yet another major loss: Chris Young suffered a broken nose after being hit in the face by a line drive in yesterday's contest against the Cardinals. For those of you keeping track, the Steaks have now lost their top three pitchers (Smoltz, Gallardo, and Young) as well as some of their best hitters (A-Rod, Tulowitzky, Sheffield, etc) for extended periods of time. How the Steaks aren't mired in last place is a testament to the superior quality of their GM, however this season will almost surely be one of building for next year.

The Three R's, meanwhile, continue their practice of mediocrity. The GM's employment of a bare bones pitching staff so that there is no need to rotate pitchers does nothing but hurt the team. Furthermore, the team's ace, Peavy, has hit the DL and revealed that the injury has been affecting his performance for a while. The R's remain in last place by a huge margin.

That about wraps it up for This Week in Murphy Memorial. This week is a gambler's dream, w/ pretty much exclusively the good teams versus the long shots, as the Shirts, Cracker Jacks, and Busey look to pad their leads at the expense of the cellar dwellers. If the Steak, R's, and Fastballs have any desire to compete this season, they better turn it up now, or else the leads will become insurmountable. My money is on more of the same, however a surprise or two isn't out of the question. The only matchups worth watching are Float It versus Hot Ice and Scuffie versus the Babes, as we'll get to see if Hot Ice can keep fighting, and more importantly, if the Babes can keep up their amazing hot streak. Reporting for Murphy Memorial, I'm out. Good luck everyone.

-Operation Chowder Storm