Welcome everybody to This Week in Murphy Memorial (TWIMM), where GM Jaques is stepping in for a traveling Commissioner McNulty. Once again, the ROYL featured a series of heated match-ups, but after all the dust had settled, the standings stood unchanged after the week.
League leader Scuffie McGee eked out a close one, with GM Sigel needing to pull out all of the wily tricks one would expect from team inspired by Ol’ Scuffballs. The win was anything but conventional. With 57 Rs and 18 HRs the offense was firing more freely than a US gunship off the Iranian coast. Yet they couldn’t hold RBI, SB or AVG, losing all three categories by narrow margins. Al Pujols, still smarting from the great “Sizemore-ic shift” in GM Sigel’s depth chart this offseason, took this week’s match-up personally and led the Three R’s in hitting. Scuff took four of five pitching categories, but curiously could not muster a single win despite starting nine pitchers on the week.
For the Cracker Jacks, oh what a difference a week makes! After thumping the Shirts in Week Three with a barrage of RBI Crax had a regression to the mean. A paltry offensive week still mustered him a 3-1-1 record in hitting as the Road Babes also couldn’t duplicate the previous week’s juggernaught performance against Float It. Nine of ten categories came down to the final day and the Babes snuck out with the victory. GM Sands, voted the league’s most purely intelligent member, was heard mumbling some nonsense about Icarus which really made no sense to anyone else but himself. Meanwhile, Freund decided to light the Bong of Victory, a key ritual to his new tantric approach to fantasy baseball, which thus far has yielded a two week winning streak.
The Steaks and Fastballs had a relatively quiet affair, despite it being one of the more lopsided results of the week. The Balls are doing their best to shrug off any hint of sophomore slump. This was by far the best result anyone has ever had who happened to put Jesus Colome in their starting lineup. Balls’ GM Mike Hoffman commented on this “anti-orthodox” move, “I knew it would take some fucked up shit to make Iafe take his eyes of the prize this week. So, I thought to myself, what better way to create havoc than by putting a guy named Jesus on my team? It didn’t hurt that his initials were actually J.C. I don’t think Iafe ever recovered from that mental mind-fuck. And people think Sands is smart.”
The match-up between Hot Ice and Busey was waged on two battlegrounds this week. Busey took the match-up by sweeping the hitting categories and doing enough on the mound to get the overall win. Their rivalry, unquenched by fantasy, took them outside the fantasy arena as both stepped up on their soapboxes for some heated political debate. If these two sat on a political seesaw, it would balance itself perfectly. They each stood across the great partisan divide, stared one another down and lobbied for their beliefs like a young Hamilton and Burr. Leaving aside the political particulars, it was a great moment for the ROYL, proving yet again that it’s more than just some really overly intense fantasy baseball that makes this league great.
The Shirts and Float It faced off, both reeling from absurdly ridiculous weeks by their Week Three opponents. This match-up was decided on the final day, as the hitting categories were basically already determined. The Shirts were confident that they could win the week or at least tie having posted a very solid pitching week, led by Clay Buccholz, despite only starting seven pitchers. But after Saturday night when Terry Francona pulled a Grady Little, leaving Buccholz in a little too long and costing the Shirts a crucial win, Float It responded with a textbook Sunday Surge. Down 15 Ks with 3 starts to go, Beckett opened the game notching strikeouts for nine of the first ten outs he induced. “Thomas” Edison Volquez followed up Beckett with another massive K night and then Jered Weaver notched a Sunday Night win to steal the week for his squad.
Who knew so little movement in the standings could be packed with so much drama? That about does it for TWIMM… With a month behind us MM is as strong as ever and the season is still anybody’s for the taking.
Week Four Summary
Week 3
Last week in Murphy Memorial was a serious barnburner—some matchups went to the very last pitch and others perhaps beyond that, in fear of the dreaded stat correction. On top of all this, the standings were completely flipped on their head.
The biggest mover of the week was Fastballs for Breakfast, who leapt out of the cellar and into a very respectable 4th place with his thumping of The Three R’s 8-2. When GM Houghteling was asked whether it was particularly difficult to lose to a fellow A’s fan and erstwhile Bay Area Resident, he responded, “Has Hoffman given up his A's fandom to become a better fantasy competitor? I don't know, but I'm going to ask it in a provocative way.” About the loss in general, GM Houghteling took a philosophical stance, perhaps ironic given his opponent. “You think losing gets easier over the years. It doesn't. This one hurts as bad as the first 9-1 drubbing I ever endured as ‘Chavy and the 3 Aces’ back in the Spring of 2004.” Unfortunately, The Three R’s have taken up residence in the cellar, but remain within striking distance of 7th place.
GM Hoffman was confident in his team’s victory, heaping on the self praise. : “It's exhilarating. I know that my team has what it takes to contend for a playoff spot, but after suffering the worst loss in franchise history in Week 1, and having my two aces (Bedard and Kazmir) on the DL, I thought it would take me all season to regain a respectable spot in the standings.”
He continued, ”I've made more player transactions than any other team in the league so far, and that's the reason I've been able to succeed despite a decimated pitching staff, no top-15 stars, and some under-performing players.” Beware the pride before the fall, young man.
In other action, Hot Ice Conservators was decimated by injuries throughout the week, losing two closers (Borowski and Moylan), MVP Jimmy Rollins, and speedster Howie Kendrick. Plus, Miguel Tejada was exposed to be the dirty dirty liar that he is. GM Kreicher had no comment, and GM Iafe was unavailable. The defeat was particularly difficult to swallow because of an apparent tie in Avg, which was ultimately given to Meat.
The same sort of tie happened in the matchup between The Scuffie McGee and GB=CS, but here the awarding of WHIP to GB=CS was particularly painful, since it threw the matchup into a 5-4-1 loss for Scuffie McGee. GM Sigel sounded much like tennis great John McEnroe, sporting his traditional headband while selling textiles in South America, when he commented, “I can’t believe it gave him whip when we were both at 1.02. IT CAN’T BE SERIOUS! Can’t we just round and call it a tie? IT CANNOT BE SERIOUS!” After which, GM Sigel smashed his keyboard on the nearby llama and stormed off.
Road Babes vs. Float it was a boring match. GM Freund “couldn’t be prouder of the Babes. They truly lived up to their name last week.” Notable was the record setting 8 HR day, followed shortly thereafter by a second multi homer game by Chipper, who it has been proven, is the devil incarnate. Other than that, this matchup was neither too close nor too much of a massacre to warrant too much focus. It was a simple case of GM McNulty running into a freight train and putting up a good fight.
Finally, we get to the best team in the league: mine. It’s true! Have you looked at the standings? I’m on top. What’s going on here? Cats are chasing dogs. Lambs are lying down with lions. Kreicher is sending out conciliatory, all inclusive e-mails. Has the world gone mad?
No, dear friends, it hasn’t, and surely I will soon be back in my rightful place. But do I think it is mere coincidence that I was assigned to write the wrap up the same week that I ascend to heights never seen before? No. it is my chance to bask. Sure they say to act like you been there before and that the classy thing is to be gracious in victory and defeat. Screw that noise. Did you see how many RBIs I had last week? 68. Jesus I’m good. Sadly, Shirts of Jack Bradfield was able to tie HR and put SB out of reach with a Sunday surge with 3 HR and 3 SB. Pity he had to ruin my victory.
That’s the week in Murphy. Good luck with the coming week everyone. And by everyone, I mean, all you who are competing for second place.
The Fantasy Levels of Failure
League, many of you have perhaps read Bill Simmons' column about the "Levels of Losing." In it he goes through 10 or 15 different ways in which a team can lose, starting from the least terrible and finishing with the most (not surprisingly, he uses the Red Sox Buckner game as the example). Well, since my fantasy team just cannot seem to win no matter what, I decided to quantify the ways of losing that can happen in fantasy. Not only will this hopefully amuse, but I think it will provide for new levels of hilarity because you'll be able to describe your loss with a specific term.
Without further ado, I present to you, from least to most painful, the 15 Levels of Fantasy Failure --
(15) THE GENERAL UNDERPERFORMANCE
Undoubtedly the least painful way to lose, the general underperformance occurs when your team simply doesn't play up to the quality of the other team. You never really feel like you are getting a bad run of luck, and deep down you have a gut feeling that you deserved to lose the week. Your team might start off in contention, but gradually slips behind as the week goes on, never really gaining any traction. By the start of Sunday, you sort of know how the week will end, in a frustrating but ultimately not devestating 3-7 or 2-7-1 loss. The general underperformance often happens when you play the #1 team in the league, and sort of realize you're climbing uphill before you even start accumulating stats.
(14) THE HALF-WEEK MATCHUP
Despite the name, the Half-Week matchup occurs not during the shortened all-star break week, but occurs when you get the nagging sense that your opponent has had a lot more opportunities to you to win the week. You'll get a nagging sense that he's had many more ABs -- and although you trail homers by one, you did it in 100 fewer ABs! Your best pitchers get single starts against the Yankees and Red Soxs off the league, while his best guys always get two starts and against abysmal offenses. The Half-Weeker is more frustrating than the General Underperformance because you legitimately believe that you could have won if you had simply gotten your fair number of starts and at bats.
(13) THE SUNDAY SURGE
We've all been there -- Sunday rolls around, and a lot of categories are close. You're generally ahead, maybe up 6-3-1 on the week, and just need a decent day to lock in the victory -- or so you think. You check your team a little later on and see that guys are producing at a reasonable pace -- you've hit a couple homers, are batting around .280, and things seem fine. But then you look at your opponents team, and you can't believe your eyes. 14 runs, 8 homers, 24 RBIs, .390??!?!? You can't believe it! The categories generally start to fall your opponents way and you end up losing the week. The Sunday Surge just blows you out of the water and makes all your effort that week worthless, leaving you no time to react, and embittering you beyond belief.
(12) THE SUNDAY COLLAPSE
A cousin to but ultimately more painful than the Sunday Surge, the Sunday Collapse begins our descent into the deeper circles of fantasy losing hell. The Collapse occurs when you may be very close to your opponent, tied or trailing in a few categories, and need only the most modest of performances on Sunday to win the week. Maybe you trail by 4 Ks with two starters to go and your opponent has no one left. Maybe you are down losing WHIP 1.73 to 1.72, and just need a starter to post a WHIP below 1.70 to take the category. Maybe you trail by 1 RBI with a slew of great hitters left to go, and your opponent is done for the week. But for whatever reason, your team absolutely collapses. Your starters take the field and get shelled off in the first inning. Your hitters all go 0/4 and you finish the day 2/41. The tiny demands you made of your players aren't met, and your opponent never relinquishes his lead, leaving you to an infuriating loss.
(11) THE MONSTER MONDAY / "THE MORALE DESTROYER"
The week's begun, and you're excited to see how your team performs. Your first day is good, but nothing like your opponent's: he posts a 0.42 ERA with 4 starters going, 40 Ks, and his hitters slug out 7 homers on day 1. As the week goes on, these categories never even approach being in play again; despite a good rest of the week from you, you just can't make up that first day's deficit. Oftentimes, the Monster Monday destroys your morale immediately, bringing you to check less since you know your efforts will be fruitless. You can't bear the site of seeing yourself down 0-10-0 day after day, and gradually that score becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
(10) THE CRUCIAL RAINOUT
Few thing are more brutal than needing only the modest performance from your team on Sunday (see "Sunday Collapse"), but finding that the one start you needed is in danger of being rained out. As the start time approaches, the weather doesn't clear up, and finally the game is called, leaving your horribly in the lurch. When it happens with hitters, inevitably you will find that you had 4 or 5 guys involved in the rainout, while your opponent managed to have no one. Two factors can come into play which compound the painful rainout -- first, when the rainout happens midgame and either causes your guys' stats to be erased, or second when it causes a starter to get pulled out during the delay and then not come in after.
(9) THE STRUGGLING STAR
Your 1st round draft pick is the man you build your team around, and as he goes, so often goes your team. When you look back on Sunday and see your stud player has gone 1/21 on the week, with 1 R, your have a sinking feeling that you're not going to be winning the week. There are two ways the Struggling Star disaster can be amplified -- first is when they hit the DL mid week, or, even worse, decide not to play in the Sunday day game for whatever reason (worst: "a routine day off"). The second is when in addition to your Struggling Star, your opponent has the phenomenon listed below...
(8) THE WAIVER WIRE SUPERSTAR
Your team is struggling, with solid players with ADPs of 100 or less batting .081 on the week, your stud doing nothing, and your pitchers generally getting lit up. Still, somehow you've managed to stay in it. But as the week goe on, you find yourself falling farther and farther behind. What the hell is going on, you ask yourself? You check your opponents team, and you see that the random scrub he's picked off waivers to fill in for his injured star is hitting .400 with 4 homers, singlehandedly denying you your deserved victory. Heck, the waiver guy is playing better than the man he is replacing. The worst part is that you know the minute the week is over the waiver scrub will return to his normally worthless ways and be right back on the wire. The waiver wire superstar level of losing hits its absolute peak when your opponents waiver wire man is a Sunday spot starter...some 5th starter with a 6.80 ERA and a 2.22 WHIP, who somehow pitches the game of his career and carries a no-hitter through 7 innings to hand you the loss.
(7) THE RECORD BREAKER
Now we're entering the real rarified air of fantasy hell -- when your opponent starts doing thing that you can't possibly believe. At the end of the week, he's put up 28 homers. Or a WHIP of 0.68. Or 22 steals. And there isn't too much more to say than that. You're sort of resigned to the fact that you weren't going to beat the numbers he's posted, but at the same time you juts CAN'T BELIEVE that it had to happen against you. Inevitably, that mark ends up being the high water point of the fantasy season, and while everyone else dodges the bullet, you're forced to take the pain.
(6) THE SAFE CATEGORY SWING
When your opponent manages to swing a category that you had already marked as "safe," you're the victim of this disastrous event. Up by 14 Ks with him only having one starter left to go, and the man manages to put up 16Ks in a 8 inning blowout? Up 7 homers with him having only 7 hitters to play and 4 of them post 2 homer games? Those are the kind of events that demolish your fantasy dreams. It's one thing to lose a category that was close, but losing your "sure things" seems to hurt even more.
(5) THE MORNING AFTER
As Sunday night approaches and you get ready to hit the sack in preparation for work tomorrow, you give your fantasy team one last check. You're up 6-3-1, and all the games remaining are in the bottom of the 9th, and the categories all seem decided. But as the night goes on, you can't sleep. You toss and turn in your bed. Something feels wrong. You log back onto your team, and see you're the proud holder of a 4-6 loss! You start scanning rapidly to see what the hell went wrong...what's this?! One of his players got a vulture win in the bottom of the 13th? Or his speed guy hit a bases clearing walkoff grand slam? Few thing are more painful than having what you thought was a sure thing stolen from you, clutching defeat from the jaws of victory.
(4) THE "MURPHY"
Is there anything worse than making a decision that controls your fantasy fate, but secretly knowing that no matter what you choose, it will end up being the wrong decision? Otherwise known as when your fantasy decisions control your player's real life careers, few things are worse than being Murphied. Start hitter A over hitter B? Hitter B will be sure to slam a homer that would have swung two categories in your favor (of course, if you started hitter B, hitter A would have slammed 2 homers...on your bench). Start your untested but highly-touted rookie fireballer over the tired veteran? He'll have a rough introduction to the big leagues, getting shelled for 8 ER in 2 innings. But start that wily vet? He'll have an unimpressive start that does nothing for you, while your rookie superstar will look like Cy Young. And worse, you have no one to blame but yourself.
(3) THE 2nd BEST IN THE LEAGUE
Now we enter into the true hell of fantasy failure -- the worst three levels of losing. There is almost nothing worse than putting up a monster week that seems to be dominant...until you realize that the ONE guy in the league who put up a better week than you happens to be the guy you're playing. You hit 17 homers and no one else in the league has more than 12? He hit 18. You threw 72 Ks and everyone else is in the 50s? No fear my friend -- your opponent posted 80. The way you can tell you've entered this level of losing is when you start scanning the rest of the league boxscores (maybe the only time you do this) and mentally tabulating how much you'd be beating everyone else. Bonus points if you are so angry that you send an e-mail to the league pointing this out.
(2) THE SINGLE AB LOSS
The second worse way to lose, and one that has decided several playoff series, is the single at bat loss. You have one guy active and your opponent has no one, and all you need to do is not get an out in that last at bat in order to take AVG and win the week and the playoffs. You're watching your guy on MLB.TV, and see him come up to the plate and take 3 balls in a row. Surely this will be a walk. You sit there as the pitcher now throws a meatball down the center and your guy doesn't swing. 3-1. "Batter's count," you reassure yourself. But when the next ball gets popped foul and caught by the 3rd baseman, you want to kill yourself. The permutations for this painful ending are endless -- you have a pitcher and need juts one more K but can't get it, you need your speed guy on first to steal 2nd and he gets thrown out, or you need your man at the plate to successfully hit a sac fly to get the RBI for your team. But when your whole week boils down to one at bat and it doesn't go your way, it's within one step of the ultimate agony. Which brings us to...
(1) THE OFFICIAL SCORER'S DELIGHT
No explanation needed here. When your week is lost by the whims of a middle-aged man who decides to call your hit an error, or awards your opponent's pitcher a win when he clearly wasn't the most instrumental pitcher in the win, and it costs you the week, and the championship, it's as bad as it gets.
MM Week 2 (April 7th-13th)
The recent meltdown on Wall Street has given rise to a cottage industry of finger pointing. Everyone from government bond traders based in London to Kansas City corn vendors has a theory on what caused the bubble to burst. It was irresponsible lending. It was 100-buck oil. It was the weak dollar. It was John Ames.
But at no time during this blame game have any of the self-proclaimed pundits had the courage to address the true elephant in the room -- Murphy. Sometimes it feels like there's only one place left in the world where you can still find men who tremble at the mention of His name and who fear the cold, crippling destructiveness of His power...
MURPHY MEMORIAL LEAGUE
Week 2 Power Rankings
Blue Chips
The Shirts of Jack Bradfield
What's in a name? I voted for Andrew (as I do in every poll regardless of the topic), but the man that the league deemed to have the prettiest name also sits atop the standings this week. The Shirts of JB might be getting more production than expected from a few of their hitters (Is it me or is Carlos Pena in the running for 'Comeback Player of the Year' every other year?), but his ERA is best in the league and no starter, save Phillip Hugesuck, is over 3.3.
The Scuffie McGee
By drafting Pedro and Harden, Scuffie GM James Sigel promised himself two strong DL spots, but the rest of the team has picked it up in their inevitable absence; Dan Haren and Ben Sheets are studs.
Sell! Sell! Sell!
Cracker Jacks
Chone Figgins is hitting .404.
Frothy with Some Upside
Float It
Always a day trader, Float It GM Kellan McNulty has already made 18 acquisitions and a trade in this still-young season. Pitching has been shaky, but Float It's young guns look poised to make a run at the crown, and I'm not even talking about the 2011 season.
Gary Busey Is Chet Steadman
Busey=Steadman entered the season a heavy favorite, but has faltered in the first two weeks. Prince Fielder has zero homers--someone get that man a hamburger.
Too Soon To Tell
The Hot Ice Conservators
The man doesn't pay for saves, which explains why he doesn't have very many, but the more troubling concern has come from Miguel Cabrera and Jimmy Rollins, both hampered with nagging injuries early on.
The Road Babes
During the draft, no one was quite sure why Nick was yelling on Skype, but maybe had something to do with anxiety. The team with the highest ERA and WHIP also has the most underperforming star (Ortiz).
Junk Bonds
Fastballs for Breakfast
Last season's ROY has come out a bit flat, but if Cano's homer tonight is any indication, this squad could turn it all around in a hurry.
The Three R's
"How could I go wrong with all these Tigers? I might pick up Jim Leland just because it would look cool to have him in a bench spot!" I've never been very good at fantasy for whatever reason.
Salisbury Steaks
Here's a chowder bomb: the two league leaders are thriving bachelors, while two of the three cellar dwellers are engaged. Discuss amongst your wives...
MM '08 Openning Chock Full of Headlines
PITTSBURGH, PA. The first week of the 2008 MLB season and the the 5th annual Murphy Memorial Fantasy Baseball League saw no fewer than three opening days. It featured back-to-back injuries to two guys named Martinez, which further crippled the projected "statistically worst team in the league," and marked the emergence a superpower the likes of which the league has not seen in years.
More stupefying still, the Baltimore Orioles finished the week atop the AL East, sporting the best record in the American League.
But none of that mattered.
"The ESPN vs. Yahoo! vote was a travesty," wrote insurrectionary pro-Yahoo! advocate GM Kreicher in an iChat conversation this morning. "The results of such a foolish decision will no doubt be felt for the remainder of the season."
At the 2007 Winter Summit in Brooklyn, NY, the league voted by a margin of 7-3 to stick with the ESPN platform despite the Evil Reset of April 2007. When similar problems seemed to be brewing again, a Hezbollah-like splinter faction of rogue GM's began to advocate a radical course of action: overturn the Summit vote and switch to Yahoo! immediately.
This proposal gained mainstream credibility when it was championed by GM and League Commissioner McNulty.
"Obviously, we decided on this shit at the summit, and maybe should have done more research," wrote McNulty in a communiqué to the league on April 2. "Yes, the transition will be a slight pain in the ass. But we really are acting like an abused wife here with ESPN. How long are we going to stay with the drunk, abusive, good-looking husband who makes lots of excuses and apologies?"
The ensuing debate about the relative merits of the two platforms was drowned out by a discussion of even greater consequence. There seemed to be no precedent for revisiting a decision of this magnitude. At issue was the very character of Murphy Memorial democracy.
In this moment of constitutional crisis, GM Iafe, Esquire, entered the fray and offered the first legal opinion in the history of Murphy memorial. His conclusion met with nearly universal approval.
"The best solution would be for us take the 62.5% voting requirement," wrote Iafe, "but allot [GM] Kellan [McNulty] two votes: one as GM McNulty, and one as Commissioner McNulty. This is the best plan b/c it employs both the numbers precedents [set by past votes] and the added weight given to our Commissioner's discretion."
Many called for GM Iafe to be officially elected as Chief Justice, Supreme Murphy Court, at the 2008 Winter Summit.
When all of the votes had been cast, the league again decided by a vote of 7-3 that it would remain with the hunky but domineering software offered by the Worldwide Leader.
When asked his feelings about this result, GM Kreicher wrote, "I think the vote was already decided by a shadow coalition of ESPN voters behind the scenes." But he added, hopefully, "I think we've already seen the failures of ESPN, and next year we will make a more appropriate decision at the [2008 Winter] Summit."
Team Carlos
So, I was sitting around and I read an article by someone touting the merits of having an all Latino fantasy baseball team. He did alright, but seeing that team (and also thinking of my beloved Mets) got me to thinking.
What if I fielded a team entirely made up of Carlos? I came up with the following:
OF: Carlos Beltran, Carlos Lee, Carlos Gomez, Carlos Quentin (If only I could include Carl Crawford. If his middle name started with "o" I would have allowed it.)
1B: Carlos Pena
2B: Carlos Delgado
SS: Carlos Guillen
3B: Carlos Febles
C: Carlos Ruiz, Carlos Maldonado
SP: Carlos Zambrano
SP: Carlos Villaneuva
SP: Carlos Silva
RP: Carlos Muniz
RP: Carlos Martinez
CLOSER: Carlos Marmol
Obviously, there are some notes to be made.
1) Going with a Three Man Rotation will be hard, but I think these Carloses will be up to the challenge. Z can horse it, and V and S are young enough to have one overworked year and flame out the rest of their careers.
2) Carlos Lee at 2nd!?!?!
Due to the scarcity of Carlos in the infield, I had to make some tough decisions. Carlos can shift over from first to SS, since that's his natural position and he's merely been displaced by Polanco. Carlos to 2nd was a hard choice. Between Carlos and Carlos, Carlos has bad knees and his bat speed is slowing, making him something of a defensive liability now, even though he was good to decent in the past. However, Carlos is left handed, while Carlos is a righty. How do you have a Right handed 1B and a left handed 2B when they're both natural 1B.
3)Who in God's Name is Carlos Febles?
Well, I'll tell you who. Carlos is a journeyman third baseman who logged 6 years from 98-03 (inclusive) with the Royals. Sure Carlos might only hit .250, but he sports a .773% swipe rate and his defense ain't half bad (else how'd he get to the majors swinging .250?). Surely not all the speed is drained from Carlos's Legs.
4) We're in good shape in the outfield, with five-toolers Carlos and Carlos. Obviously, Carlos goes in Right, being slightly rotund and less fleet of foot. The question is do you make teh veteran Carlos--always one of the best defensive CF in the game but with Quad issues that flared up last year--move over to right, to make way for the up and coming Carlos with the blinding speed. Or, do you just have Carlos learn Right and leave Center in the able hands of Carlos? These are the type of questions that Team Carlos loves to have--an abundance of Wealth at defense.
At any rate, Carlos and Carlos are good for 30 and 35-40 HR respectively, while Carlos can easily speed his way to 25-35 SB. Meanwhile, Carlos and Carlos both top out at 20 SB anyway, not exactly slouches themselves. Coming off the bench, Carlos makes a fine 4th outfielder.
5) Catcher is adequate, with Carlos being backed up by Carlos, who we've managed to lure out of retirement after his last year with the Buccos. If only we could get Carlos Maldonaldo to be a MR, we could have Carlos Maldonaldo Pitching to Carlos Maldonado.
6) If Carlos, Carlos, or Carlos can manage to pitch 8 strong, Carlos is more than able to step up and close it out for them. I'd feel good handing the ball to Carlos in this situation. However,
7) Our middle relief is spotty at best. Carlos only got a cup of coffee with the Fish last year and the year before that, while Carlos isn't exactly tearing up the Mets' system. I think Carlos has better upside, since Carlos was seen in Miami both in 2006 and 2007. I have a feeling both Carloses will get some significant playing time this year, given the overall terribleness of Florida and injury prone aging Mets staff.
To Manage this fine collection of Carlos?
No one but Carlos Tosca. Having a perfectly .500 record with the Jays (191-191) from 2002 - 2004, he already has experience with Carlos during this time. With that sort of veteran leadership on the field and off, I'm sure that Team Carlos can be guided to a perfectly adequate season.
Thank you, and in conclusion, Carlos Carlos Carlos Carlos.
CarlosJacks
ESPN v. YAHOO! 128 F.3d 625 (Murph.Mem. Cir. 2008)
Serving as ad-hoc constitutional adviser to the Murphy Memorial Fantasy Baseball League, its managers, and its Commissioner, GM Iafe penned the following opinion on the matter of ESPN v. YAHOO! during the lead up to the league-wide vote scheduled for 4-5 April, 2008.
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The relevant excerpts from our Constitution are as follows:
From the 2006 Amendments:
For an amendment to pass, a majority of the league must vote for it. In the case of 2006, this meant 5/9 league members (we killed SAC). A member may blackball a change, but only if he's willing to stake his membership in the league on the change.
1) Trade Vetoes:
Each manager will be equipped with a trade veto. In order for a trade to be overturned, 5 out of the 8 non-participating managers (2 will be in the trade) must actively veto the trade.
From the 2007 Amendments:
For an amendment to pass, a majority of the league must vote for it. In the case of 2007, this meant 4/7 league members.
1) Violation of The Starts Limit
If the starts limit is violated, the following two punishments will apply:
a) If the violation is deemed non-malicious and unintentional by the Commissioner, the result will be a benching of the player's hitters for four days the next time the teams meet. If they do not meet again, the manager may be fined up to $1 Keeper Money at the Commissioner's discretion.
2) ESPN v. Yahoo
By a vote of 7-3, we will use ESPN over Yahoo! Andrew Kreicher would like to place. an official note of dissent, and used his annual blackball threat/summit tantrum to no avail."
ANALYSIS:
From the outset, it is specifically enumerated in the Constitution that "For an amendment to pass, a majority of the league must vote for it." If this were simply a vote being taken at an official Summit, I do not see any other argument except for this textualist and noninterpretist view that we must follow the letter of the law. However, this is an emergency referendum being called mid-season, so we must look deeper.
First, is this referendum even constitutional? Can our humble and loyal commissioner use his powers to make such a vote to happen? I say yes, and for two reasons. The first is more general, and it is that we, by our very nature, constitute a democracy, and we expect equality both of opinion and of treatment. Equality is a politico-moral principle, and as such, we follow the political principles which we believe should be applied. In this case, we champion stability and democratic consistency, which are both legitimate ends. However, applying strict scrutiny, the means must be narrowly tailored to the end, so does the vote establish this relationship?
The answer to this question brings me to my second reason, and I point you to the 2007 Amendments, in the Starts Limit Violation section. It states that an appropriate punishment is a monetary fine, which is implemented "at the Commissioner's discretion." Here, we have a view that the Commissioner can constitutionally exercise his discretion to dole out punishments. It is my professional opinion that the framers of this Constitution had in mind that other situations might rear their ugly heads which would have to be addressed by a certain level of discretion on the part of the Commissioner. We, as a league, would do well to have a vote of confidence in our Commissioner, lest the entire system of order come crashing down on our heads. This may be a stretch, but I see no other valid options that would make sense. Should we have a vote of whether we should have a vote on this issue? This seems rather stupid, and I would guess that this vote would return overwhelming support for the Commissioner anyways.
For the future, I suggest that we pass an amendment that first specifically gives this discretional power to the Commissioner (like an opposite of the 10th Amendment of the US Constitution, which would be "anything not specifically enumerated in the Constitution is reserved for the Commissioner"), but then goes on to reserve our rights (like in the 9th Amendment: "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.") and also resemble Article 1 Section 7 our the United States Constitution which allows for a two-thirds vote to override a presidential veto. For example, something like: "In all situations not specifically enumerated in this Constitution, the Commissioner can exercise his discretion, but his decision can be overridden by a two thirds vote of all remaining members." This should be reworded, but it fits.
Now that we know this vote is constitutional, we have to play the numbers game. Here are the relevant issues for consideration:
- From 2006 Amendments: "For an amendment to pass, a majority of the league must vote for it. In the case of 2006, this meant 5/9 league members (we killed SAC)."
- From 2007 Amendments: "For an amendment to pass, a majority of the league must vote for it. In the case of 2007, this meant 4/7 league members."
However, as previously stated, this is not simply an Amendment at an official Summit, so special circumstances apply. How should we treat these special circumstances? That is a tough one, but I did find something that might speak to the issue:
- From 2006 Amendments: "Each manager will be equipped with a trade veto. In order for a trade to be overturned, 5 out of the 8 non-participating managers (2 will be in the trade) must actively veto the trade."
- From 2007 Amendments: "By a vote of 7-3, we will use ESPN over Yahoo!"
The special circumstances here is a trade veto, and I believe it is applicable. First, b/c a trade veto is a special circumstance, and therefore we have an idea of how the framers would have chosen to deal with it. This provision calls for a 5/8 vote, or 62.5%, to override a trade. I believe what should be required here is the same: at least 62.5% of the vote. Unfortunately for the supporters of Yahoo (of which I am a member), this means that 7/10 is necessary if all votes are cast. However, other votes resulting in a switch to Yahoo could be 6/9, 5/8, 5/7, 4/6, and so on.
The second reason I believe at least a 62.5% vote should be required is b/c we originally chose ESPN over Yahoo by a vote of 7/10, and to allow anything significantly less than that to pull a 180 would seem improper.
Other relevant issues are as follows:
- From 2006 Amendments: "A member may blackball a change, but only if he's willing to stake his membership in the league on the change."
- From 2007 Amendments: Andrew Kreicher would like to place an official note of dissent, and used his annual blackball threat/summit tantrum to no avail."
It is also worth noting that I am speaking solely if ESPN runs smoothly for the remainder of the year. If ESPN continues to give us problems, I believe a different approach is necessary, and martial law may be appropriate. Let's write something to this effect into the Constitution at next year's Summit as well.
In sum, I believe that this weekend's vote is constitutional. For the vote to pass, Yahoo needs to garner at least 62.5% of the vote.
Taking all this into account, the following is my official proposal:
The best solution would be for us take the 62.5% voting requirement, but allot Kellan two votes: one as GM McNulty, and one as Commissioner McNulty.
This is the best plan b/c it employs both the numbers precedents and the added weight given to our Commissioner's discretion.
Obviously, my opinion is not law, but I do hope you take it to heart, If the Commissioner wishes to take other action, it very well might be in his authority to do so because we the people have no Constitutional checks on his power.
Sorry for the long-winded analysis, but that is my whole-hearted, professional opinion.
Commissioner, we await your guidance.
Your legal counsel,
GM Iafe of Operation Chowder Storm