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Week 11
Gridlock was the theme this week in Murphy Memorial, as all but one matchup was decided by one category or fewer. Here were the results:
1 The Scuffie McGee vs. 7 Salisbury Steaks (5-5)
2 Cracker Jacks vs. 10 The Three R's (5-4)
3 Shirts of Jack Bradfield vs. 9 The Hot Ice Conservators (6-3)
4 Gary Busey is Chet Steadman vs. 5 Float it (4-5)
6 Road Babes vs. 8 Fastballs for Breakfast (5-5)
Since everyone basically tied each other this week, I've decided to focus on the memorable infividual performances from the week that was.
Offensive MVPs
Grady Sizemore, SCUF
8/26, 7 R, 5 HR, 8 RBI, 1 SB, .308
Sizemore had an all around class-act of a week, though his efforts were in vain as Scuffie dropped all five offensive categories by razor thin margins to the scrappy Steaks.
Willy Taveras, MEAT
6/20, 2 R, 1 HR, 3 RBI, 9 SB, .300
Taveras' sensational week included a 5-steal game, and 8 of his 9 steals came while in the Steak's lineup. The Steaks needed every one of those swipes as they took the category from Scuffie 14-13.
Offensive Goats
Hunter Pence, CRAX
2/23, .087, No other fucking stats at all.
The Jacks were weighted down by this horrid week by youngster (and former Bermuda Triangles prospect) Pence, collecting 19 of his at-bats (including both hits) on the official scoreboard. The Jacks fared well despite Hunter's struggles, talking 4 out of 5 offensive categories from flaccid Three R's.
Michael Young, SCUF
2/24, 2R, 0 HR, 1 RBI, 0 SB, .083
Scuffie absorbed all of the shit that soaked into Young's bed this week, as Young was a major reason Scuffie didn't have a customarily big week.
Pitching MVP
C.C. Sabathia, GBCS
2-0, 17 IP, 15 K, 1.59 ERA, 0.71 WHIP
After a putrid start to the season, Sabathia is finally living up to his name. Unfortunately, C.C.'s stellar performances this week went to waste, as Busey lost every pitching category except saves.
Pitching Goats
Todd Wellemeyer, T3R
0-1, 3.1 IP, 8 ER, 3 K, 21.60 ERA, 3.30 WHIP
Wow. Good thing for GM Houghteling that Welley was planted firmly on the bench, allowing him to maintain pristine ratios of 2.87 and 1.25 for the week. Philly scored 20 runs against Wellemeyer's Reds in his start this week
Brad Penny, FAST
0-1, 3.2 IP, 7 ER, 0 K, 17.18 ERA, 2.45 WHIP
Brad Penny has been tenderly sodomizing GM Hoffman for months, and this week was no exception. The only silver lining this week was that Penny got lit up against the Tigers, three of whose batters start for Hoffman's Fastballs. The other silver lining is that Penny might be hurt. "In the bullpen [before the game], I knew I probably shouldn't have went out there," Penny said. "But that would have out the team in a horrible position." With a less horrible start from Penny, the Fastballs might have been able to take WHIP and win the week 6-4. Ties are just not good enough for this fading franchise.
Other News and Notes
- Scuffie and Steaks pulled a perfect ying-yang tie, with Scufie taking all pitching categories, and Steaks taking all offensive categories. The recordbooks will show a tie, but the Steaks got lucky: he won the offensive categories by the skin of his teeth, and got blown out in pitching.
- Two trades went down this week, as the Fastballs dumped closers in a last ditch effor to salvage the season. In a somewhat surprising tacit acknowledgment of rebuilding, the Fasballs traded Putz-replacement closer Brandon Morrow for über-prospect Clayton Kershaw.
- With Ice "officially" announcing rebuilding this week, the league was once again forced to acknowledge that the notion of "announcing rebuilding" makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
- Busey absolutely exploded on offense this week, leading the league in R, HR, and RBI.
Week 10
For this week's summary, I've chosen to compare each important league event to a famous movie or work of literature. Obviously, this is pretty similar to what Freund brilliantly did last week, but in order to avoid any accusations of plagiarism, I have refrained from using any quotes from Last of the Mohicans (which is unfortunate, because my description of the Float it - Salisbury Steaks match up would have involved the final "He is Unkus! . . . but once, we were here" speech, with Kellan in the role of Chingatchkook, Iafe as Hawkeye and A-Rod as Madeline Stowe - which obviously would have been awesome - but Freund ruined that for everyone).
The Matchups
"Why couldn´t you just put down the bunny?" - Cameron Powe, Con Air
Shirts of Jack Bradfield 7
Fastballs for Breakfast 3
In this matchup, GM Jaques' offense played the role of Cameron Powe (Nicolas Cage, in what in retrospect I should have voted as his greatest performance), mercilessly beating down on Fastballs with a 51-18-58-11-306 offensive line analogous to Powe's legs and arms (which, due to their extreme strength and martial arts training are legally considered deadly weapons). The Fastball's Cyrus the Virus-style offense put up a valiant, if evil, fight, but eventually succumbed. On the pitching side, GM Hoffman managed a Steve Buscemi-style escape. After enjoying a tea-party with a young girl and her dolls (Aaron Harang, Max Scherzer and Randy Johnson), Hoffman´s pìtchers refrained from murdering them, but were instead content to escape up 3-2 in the pitching categories.
"Rage, Goddess, sing to me of the rage of Achilles . . ." - The Iliad
The Scuffie McGee 10
The Hot Ice Conservators 0
This battle of titans is perhaps best compared to the epic confrontation between Achilles (The Scuffie McGee and GM Sigel) and Hector (The Hot Ice Conservators and GM Kreicher). I considered simply citing the movie Troy, but that battle scene between Achilles and Hector, though sweet enough to make Brian Finn himself declare that he would totally do Brad Pitt, doesn't quite reflect the sheer dominance of Scuffie's 10-0 defeat of his arch-rival. Perhaps most key to the Iliad comparison is the fact that, just as Hector attempted to flee Achilles - running three times around the walls of Troy before being tricked by Athena into facing his doom - GM Kreicher was similarly reluctant to face his foe, starting only 6 pitchers in a week where he clearly had nothing to lose by starting his full 9. In his "Achilles fights the river" moment, GM Sigel showed no mercy to his weaker foe, picking up and starting Kyle Lohse on Sunday to secure the shutout. Shortly thereafter, GM Kreicher declared his team to be in rebuilding mode, a sad end for a once-great hero. It appears the Hellenes no longer need fear Hector's deadly spear.
Float It 6
Salisbury Steaks 4
In a matchup that GM Iafe desribed as "sloppier than a pair of gorilla tits left out in the rain" Float It defeated the Salisbury Steaks 6-4. The battle called to mind the epic rain-soaked confrontation between Simba and Scar in the thrilling finale to The Lion King. In the end, of course, Simba is too noble to avenge the death of his father and refuses to kill his uncle, allowing the hyenas - in this case, Huston Street, who picked up a vulture win (see the scavenger parallels! Obviously, the comparison isn´t perfect because Kellan won wins 6-3, but imagine if the difference had been based entirely on vulture wins. Now that would have been something.) - to viciously eat Iafe alive.
Garey Busey is Chet Steadman 5
Cracker Jacks 4
"This isn´t about your Field's medal, you mathematical dick. It's about the boy!" Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting
In this dramatic scene from Good Will Hunting, two old friends/rivals square off over the fate a young man's mind, if not his very soul. Robin Williams was always the smarter of the two, but, perhaps lacking that killer instinct, he was never able to achieve the success that other guy (who plays Bootstrap Bill in the Pirates of Carribean movies, whatever his name is) did, sinking into a low-paying job at Bunker Hill Community College while the other guy polishes his Fields medal at MIT. Similarly, the Cracker Jacks have some fine players on their team - including first-half sensation Josh Hamilton (Ben Affleck) - but they were unable to win this test of wills, falling to the flashier, if heartless, Gary Busey squad 5-4. Time will tell if GM Sands ultimately wins out, allowing David Wright to go "see about a girl" (Carlos Beltran).
Harry Stamper: "Grace, I know I promised you I was coming home."
Grace Stamper: "I-I don't under-understand."
Harry Stamper: [sighs] "Looks like I'm gonna have to break that promise."
- Liv Tyler and Bruce Willis, Armageddon
Road Babes 9
The Three R's 1
So says Bruce Willis to his daughter - a teary-eyed Liv Tyler - before blowing up a nuclear bomb on the giant asteroid that otherwise would have destroyed all life on earth. Pretend, now, that Willis had failed (the nuke still blows him up and kills him, but doesn't deter the asteroid from its original course, smashing to the earth and killing nearly everyone exept for a few scattered survivors) and what would you have? OK, Deep Impact - but that movie sucked and didn't have any quotes quite as powerful as the one above. You would also have this matchup between the Road Babes and the Three R´s. GM Nicholas Freund's squad brought an Armageddon-like 62 runs, 22 Hrs, 64 RBIs and 340 average, which, coupled with a strong pitching performance, annihilated GM Houghteling's over-matched team in every category but one. The Three R's clung desperately to the stolen base category (just as Elijah Wood and his pregnant(?) girlfriend clung to the top of a medium-sized hill in Deep Impact), and in doing so not only avoided the ignominy of a 10-0 loss, but also ensured that the human race as we know it can go on, at least for another day.
Other League Events from the past week:
"Judge Ito! Have some of my burrito!" Pauly Shore, Jury Duty
The premise of this 1995 Pauly Shore classic is that Shore - an out of work male stripper assigned to the jury in a murder trial - tries to delay the resolution of the trial so that he can continue to receive the benefits that come with being a sequestered. He invents outlandish and outrageous reasons to refuse to declare the murderer guilty, with hilarious results. Similarly, in the Murphy Memorial League last week, a poll question that one would think would easily be answered the same way by all members of our "jury" ("Would you sleep with a ready and willing college sophomore?") inexplicably recieved a stunning pair of votes in the negative. One can be attributed to Hoffman, who presumably, in anticipation of his coming marriage, has allowed China (the Tia Carrere of this analogy?) to monitor all of his internet use, and this felt uncomfortable voting as his heart told him to (Is it ironic, Hoffman, that you voted "no," but that, when you first met China, she herself was a college sophomore? I think it is, but I've never quite grasped how irony works). The other vote remains unaccounted for, but I have chosen to believe that Freund mistakenly voted while high and trying to order food online (which I've heard you can now do on the Information Superhighway). For the record, not that this had any impact on my vote, but as far as I know there is no age of consent in South America.
"If we all go for the blonde and block each other, not a single one of us is going to get her. So then we go for her friends, but they will all give us the cold shoulder because no on likes to be second choice. But what if none of us goes for the blonde? We won't get in each other's way and we won't insult the other girls. It's the only way to win. It's the only way we all get laid." - John Nash, A Beautiful Mind
Week 9
The Last of the Murphies
Sunday marked another Epic week in the Murphy Memorial League. Some teams fell; some teams rose; some teams lay beaten and cleaved on the field of glorious fantasy baseball battle. Now, in the aftermath, only one thing appears certain: in the game of baseball, only hard-hitting bats and devastating sliders guarantee survival. In this league, we make baseball—not mourning war.
2nd place Scuffie McGee defeated 4th place Shirts of Jack Bradfield in a clash of pitching versus hitting, and Huron versus Mohican. The native baseballer GM Sigel performed the holy rite of mourning war, finishing with a slight edge in categories. Scuffie pulled out the victory by crushing 46 runs, 18 hr's, 49 rbi's and swiping 15 steals, which along with K's gave him the victory 5-4-1. Later, Sigel told reporters that the close win left him unsatisfied, and that "the blade was still clean. The wrath of a Mohawk turned Huron can only be satiated by further blood and conquest. When Bud Selig is dead, Scuffie will eat his heart. Before he dies, Scuffie will put his children under the knife, so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever."
Crazy man Gary Busey continued his league-wide assault, nabbing the Bong, massacring the lagging Babes 9-1 like they were leaving Fort William Henry, and claiming the third spot on the leader board. Hitting 50 runs, 9 hr's, 40 rbi's and swiping 12 bases wasn't as impressive as his league best 68 k's, and his 5 wins, 6 saves and a respective ERA and WHIP of 2.82 and 1.10.
Interviewed while clutching the victorious binger in one hand, and a bag of sticky greens in the other, he exclaimed "Freund really gave me a scare there. As soon as I thought victory was clinched, the Babes became a war party attacking up and down the frontier. They began sweeping south along the frontier attacking farms, hitting homeruns and throwing heaters at Boy Prince's head. If it wasn't for a few well timed hanging curveballs and my tomahawk, I would have been done in for sure." A scream of anguish rocked the interview room as Freund exclaimed "Do the laws of baseball no longer govern? Have they been replaced by Busey's absolutism?"
In other news around the league, the Jacks eeked out a 5-4-1 victory over the hurting Steaks. The matchup came down to the wire, as HR's were deadlocked at the end of Sunday night at 10. Sands won runs by 2, and Iafe snuck out both K's and runs by 1. Iafe's performance and his rise out of the cellar are impressive, certainly given the extensive losses his lineup has suffered this season.
Iafe, giving his team a last minute pep talk in the clubhouse on Sunday, was heard saying to John Smoltz: "John, you don't submit, you hear? They will take you to a clinic up North, to Huron country. You be strong, you survive—you stay alive." (shaking Smoltz passionately and rubbing his shoulder). "No matter what happens, I will find you! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you!" Unfortunately, Iafe's pine tar was wet, and there was NO CHANCE to pick up a bat and defend his boys from defeat.
Fastballs for Breakfast and Hot Ice both had impressive outings. Both managers, reeling from the vertigo induced by low league rankings—a New World one might say—managed their teams to impressive pitching outings, each posting sub 3 ERA's, 6 wins and 5 saves. Yet despite GM Hoffman's unsure standing this year, he was able to pull out 4 of 5 hitting categories to take the week in dominant fashion, 7-1-2.
Despite a long and passionate friendship, the GM's were heard arguing over the very nature of their conflict. GM Kreicher, angered at both the outcome and his underappreciated team, exclaimed: "Who empowered these young players to pass judgment on baseball, and to hit and run without so much as their manager's 'leave?'" Much angered, Hoffman responded "They do not live their lives and play baseball "by your leave"! They hack wins out of the diamond with their own two hands, bearing gloves and their children along the way!" In a year where both franchises are in desperate need of wins, the Manager of Hot Ice sacrificed himself upon the pyre of Murphy, allowing his own immolation—"Murphy, take me! My death is a great honor to the Huron!"
Commissioner McNulty, last of the true Murphies, continued his rise up the standings against once-time friend, now arch nemesis the 3 R's. Nate only took HR's, wins and average, but, channeling Magua, managed to kill GM McNulty's favorite son by slitting his throat and throwing him off the green monster at Fenway. Arriving late to the diamond from his South African home, McNulty wielded a devastating Mohican axe to execute 62 k's, 8 saves, 45 runs and 39 rbis and clinch a costly victory at 6-3-1.
Afterwards, reeling from the carnage, McNulty smoked his African peace pipe, and prayed: "Great Spirit, Maker of All Life. A warrior goes to you swift and straight as an arrow shot into the sun. Welcome him and let him take his place at the Murphy council fire of my people. He is Carpenter, my son. Tell them to be patient and ask death for speed (and power); for they are all there but one - I, Kellan- Last of the Murphies."
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